Sunday, May 18, 2008

The sun shone and then it rained...

The sun shone the other day and then it rained...the story of my life. Everybody has a story to tell. Everybody has their joys and sadness. Everybody has their ups and downs. Life is not just about money, work and having luxury....there are other meaningful aspects too, such as health, family, friendship, prayers and helping the needy. I'm sure everybody shares the same sentiment. Cos no matter what, we have to appreciate whatever we have now. (Wat was i mumbling??).

The sun shines....

After coming back from the company's incentive trip in March, i fell sick, doctor said viral fever. After that incident (early april), i didn't gain back my energy and my appetite/eating became less. Dono what its about but i just live life like normal.

Then mid April, huby got sick (i've written about it in my blog) which got me worried cos i wasn't that well either. But alhamdulilah huby got well and its a matter of taking care of his diet and making sure that we both try to have a healthy life.

A few weeks after that i fell sick again. Donno why my appetite got lesser and lesser. I went to the doctor again(its my 4th or 5th visit), asked her to give me an injection to give me energy. She refuses and told me that its just psychology. I got pissed but she say that i looked flushed and asked whether i'm pregnant or not and i said no!! Since 2 doctors said i looked flushed, plus my monthly fren didnt come for 2 months, huby and i decided to buy a pregnancy test-kit and did the test, wah, for all you know, its positive!! We're surprise but we needed assurance, so the very next day we went to see the doctor again and this time, she confirms its positive. I was 11 weeks pregnant!! It was a joyfull moment for me and huby. We told my parents and MIL only. Yes, we did planned to start a family this year but it happened earlier then we expected, we're suppose to go for our honeymoon in Bali in June!! Nevertheless, we're happy!!

Donno why people call it a hunch, but we had a hunch, we decided that we will not mention this to the whole world just yet. I've only told my immediate department colleague and my boss. They were ecstatic!! My MIL cried when she hears the news, my parents were happy too. Deep down inside my heart, i felt bad for not telling people who are close to us but i just kept it inside me....wondering when is the rigth time to tell...

Then i fell sick again, this time its a high fever and i could not get up from bed for 3 days. I didn't even had the chance to go and check my condition with a Gynaecologist. Coincidently i was in Seremban at my inlaw's place and they took care of me. The GP doctor gave me 1 week off medical leave. The doctor also advised that i get plenty of rest and am not supposed to carry heavy object and do heavy housework.

My apetite didn't improve and it gets worst. I went to see a gynae in SJMC (as the gp doctor recommended) and she gave me another week mc to rest at home. This time i stayed at my parent's place. My mom took care of me. Hubby had to go to work and only comes back in the evening. My days felt so long cos i felt helpless not being able to do anything. Even watching tv is a torture for me. I still force myself to walk around the house, read magazines and not just laze on the bed.

Down came the rain....

Just last week on wednesday nite i had a terrible cramp on my stomach. Huby n i thot maybe its was just wind. I tried going to the toilet but it didn't help. So i slept thru it. The next day, i went out with huby. But in the evening, i had that stomach cramp attack again! This time it was unbearable and i went to the doctor. She just gave me 'charcoal' medicine but when i was at the clinic, my stomach got really hurt. I was in great pain, i can't even stand or walk but i forced myself. It hurts so bad that huby had tears in his eyes....he just can't bear to see me in that pain and not knowing why.

Later we went back home. Huby went out for a while to buy dinner. I was rolling on the bed, suffering in pain and dono what to do. Later i just felt like getting up......for all you know, once i got up, my 'water-bag' burst!! ...Yes, i had a miscarriaged. The minute the bag burst, my stomach felt a bit better. Only later i learned that the stomach cramp was actually due to 'a contraction'. Juz about 1-2 minutes, huby came back and i told him what happened. He called my mom. At that moment the blood just keep on coming down. I felt sad...i wasn't ready for this...

My mom asked him to take me to the hospital immediately. She told us to go to PPUM instead becos she was so afraid that i lose a lot of blood and she said only government hospitals have blood bank. She don't believe in private hospitals cos she knows that some cases still refer to government hospitals. We just followed. Huby drove me and I was sent to the emergency room. My parents came only later.

Doctor attended to me and confirmed that its a premature miscarriaged. I was supposed to be around 2 1/2 month to 3 months. At that moment both huby and me has accepted that its 'just not meant to be'. I think this is the biggest testing time for me...

Just few days before, (lately) huby has been mentioning to me that we have to accept 'qada dan qadar' and he kept on saying it a few times. I donno why he kept on saying it but i guess things happens for a reason.

A doctor explained that stomach/womb has a way to discharge whatever that is not good in our body. Maybe the cromosom didn't match hence it gets out naturally. I was admitted that nite. Since husbands are not allowed to stay-in, he left. There i was....all alone...(well actually there are another 2 patients in a 4 beded room). Yes, i felt alone.....and sad.....i shed tears.....the first time i cried. I can't believe that i've actually conceived and then lost it!! Its been only 13weeks old....i guess sobbing would not solve anything, life has to go on.

In a way, i was greatful to GOD for giving me the opportunity to conceive and thankful to GOD too for taking it away becos HE knew what's best for me and my husband. Its just not meant to be. I don't know how to explain but my relationship with hubby gets even stronger after this incident. To me its not an 'unfortunate' incident but its a way of GOD saving our lives. We believed that there's always hope and HE'll give us more chances....insyallah!!

For those of you who don't know about this, i'm truly sorry i didn't tell becos i guess there's always a reason for it. For families, relatives, dearest cousin and friends who has given their support, from the bottom of my heart, thank you so much. I truly appreciate it! For me now, its taking one day at a time, there isn't any need to rush into things, i'm just going to just follow the flow.

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